Sunday, February 24, 2013

a s

Friday, December 09, 2005

Rooster - The year I caught up with myself

I've just done what I haven't been able to do for 12 months: sit
quietly and contemplate my life.

I have this feeling that my problem - my existential dilemma - is
already being resolved in a way I would never have imagined: through
gaining some sort of specialist skills which I can use to get
financially independent. With this nagging undercurrent about to be
nipped in the bud I can already feel the freedom that I can expand
into this coming year. It's a freedom that has room for romantic
relationships, conceptual design, theosophical teaching and of course
the money earner at present - sound recording (and hopefully kids TV
presenting).

Just yesterday I read a paragraph in a book that inspired me to listen
to my heart. I have denied my heart one simple right - the right to
love even if that is not reciprocated.

It's time to rest my relentless dreams of creativity and conceptual
design and focus on making money. Then will come the space to share my
spiritual knowledge in a grounded way. And then will come the space to
move into the sphere of human expression that I was born for.

2005. twenty-four years old. The year of the rooster. The year I
caught up with myself.
2006. The year I become financially independed and fulled with real
self-confidence.

Monday, November 28, 2005

The poles are easy

It's been a while since I've made the time to sit down and write. My life has been hectic.
Why am I consumed by the desire to be a somebody in the world? I have many talents yet I just don't show the emotional stability to be a high achiever.
I get angry that I can't socialise in the same care-free small-talk way that so many of my colleagues can. I watch from the outside sometimes and I wonder just how they can maneuver the conversation past so many silly little topics - yet they are tight and close and it seems irrelevant what they're discussing. With me I feel that either I have to initiate the conversation or have nothing to do with it. To the not too discerning on-looker my trouble riding the middle path is obvious - the poles are just so much easier to ride than the fence.
Well, I heard today something that was not lost on me: Careful of self-analysis because too much of it can lead to self-criticism which in turn can lead to self-destruction.
I keep thinking that a new day will dawn in my life when the qualities I hold dear to me like reckless self-confidence will suddenly blossom. It is SO DIFFICULT to change old pattens. I still want to shout and curse the people that wrong me ... for all its pain and bewilderment, life continues to teach me.


Monday, October 24, 2005

nothing else to say

Whatever must be done Shall be done.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

doubt

If you walk onto that stage with even the smallest doubt in your mind, you will fail.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Greatness

I want it. Like the guys on Rockstar INXS.
I feel so small and insignificant. Why do I have this burning desire to be outwardly successful?
Well I do. I don't have the looks or ability though. What can I do. As an act of generosity I must keep giving these successful people their success - and not letting my jealously take over.
Take big risks. But they require discipline. I don't like discipline. But it doesn't seem like so if it's for something you love. What do i love?
Music...sound...

Sunday, September 04, 2005

leo gone

The individual power I was feeling so potently over the last 2 weeks seems to have dissapeared...was it just a Leo thing? The lion that gives energy only during that time of the year? How do i access it again so I can stand in front of a camera and feel my inner home strongly? Perhaps The Journey to Wild Divine will provide the click.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

on the edge

totally fucked up day

living on the edge...went up to perform my scene in front of camera then had it picked apart second by second. I just couldn't get the feeling of intimidation...i was feeling too damn scared and unsure of myself...then the fucken tutor just cuts through it all and sez I have this self-confident image that is lacking underneath.

what do i say to such things? I am trying to put together a personality. I am changing my usual soft sensitive persona for a more 'don't give a shit' kind. Hey...the only way I will develop that hard core at the centre of my being is by backing myself and being honest with myself and asking myself the real questions: am I behaving in a polarising way at the moment? If this the time to speak of shutup and hold the silence?

totally edgy day

Monday, August 29, 2005

one rule

I leave you with one rule: FUCK IT.

An attitude I am cultivating both as an actor and as myself is 'Fuck It'. It means so much more than stopping caring about what others think. It's about being assertive and sharp when its called for and not needing to 'build bridges' all the time with people you meet.
I am not in this class at school to make friends - I am there to be an actor - and this changes everything. I no longer care about offending people. Yet, I am still pay attention to the timing of things. Tact is still important - it just comes from a place of rock-confidence that's all - rather than tipping toeing over broken egg shells

Making it Mean Something

I've been acting all day in a short film similar to Cube.
It's a student production so it wasn't as slick as the professional teams - meaning that I wasn't fully supported to focus on acting and acting alone - BUT it did give me some new insights into acting truthfully.
The first is when I truly gave myself over to the reality of the experience. The most important thing for my character was to sacrifice his life for the women he had been a guardian angel for.


Thursday, August 11, 2005

Hear

In a group situation - drama or even production group:
 
Ask: when I truly look at what is happening here  - well, what is it?
 
Am I supporting what is trying to take place here or do I just want it all to end so I can curl back up in my bed?
 
Do I feel any kind of resistance to what is happening? What will I do about it?
 
TRUST MYSELF. LISTEN TO MYSELF.
 
My irratated reaction my be the grit that sets the process of making a pearl off...
 
See my days as RITUALS. Prepare myself. Enter the space. Be present in the given space.
 
 

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Mediocrity

Everyday I find the pull of mediocrity irresistible.
It dulls my thinking. It dulls my feeling. It checks me whenever I entertain the idea of going against the grain or trying something no one else has considered.
It is the road to death. And I am travelling there unwaveringly. I don't take drugs but I feel my body perform in the same frenzied manner.
I feel so sensitive. I question myself - why did Gem not receive my affection? Why did I feel so hurt? Why have I not contacted her again? Why do I feel like such a little boy who has to run everything past his mother before he give himself and others permission? Why is my sense of self so fragile? Can I not roar in the middle of a mob? Must I swallow my thoughts and feelings? Must i turn my back on my class mates when they need support because I don't know how to support them? All I want to do is curl up in a ball with my lover and know everything is going to be alright. lullaby.
 
I am a casualty of 21st century spirituality. I have no purpose. No focus. No desire other than instant gratification of my body; and my sense of security. I feel after all these years I've just become cleverer at presenting my neurosis in an intelligent and palatable package. Yet when I am with a girl by myself then it unravels. I feel the shame of telling Gem she had to wait in the car while I rushed up to the apartment to tidy up. She speaks so freely that I know half her world already know this about me.
 
Why don't I get angry? Why can't I send an arrow into another - a student or tutor? Why do I become irritable at best then try to build a bridge as soon as possible because I don't want conflict. I hate PETTY shit so i just stop - is that OK with you? FUCK it. I'll finish this post, clean out my homework for tomorrow, get into bed and sleep till my alarm goes off. It's so predictable. Acting truthfully is so difficult. How can I expect to act what I can't even live in real life?
 
How to I summarise my inner space this day? Well, I feel lost. Completely lost. Yet not lost enough to be totally truthful and ready - just enough to live in that mediocre space where everything is neither here nor there.
 
Gray ethereal shores 
sharp shells puncturing my soul
pull it out pull it out
demand it
no
I prefer the soft gentle bridges
that demand nothing from me
but a dose of feigned gentleness
and a suppressed choking sensation
at the back of my being.
 

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Terror of Connecting

How terrifying it is to hold the gaze of another without the pretension of a fake smile.
To really SEE the other and not just accept their emotional manipulative state but communicate with them; empower them and remind them of their essence if unstable.

We talk so much about ACCEPTING each other but that is bull shit. Much of what we see and hear from our friends and co-workers is emotional narcissitic self talk...do we want to accept this? Do we want to loose each opportunity we get to empower them just so we don't rock the boat?

But to be fair it is difficult to know the words to say...how do you speak into the life of another in a way that is congruent with the sitation? Simple to-the-point praise is important. Asking questions is too: "I wondered why you acted that way during that excercise?"...but it must be in the spirit of love. Am I willing to SPEAK UP and risk my fragile sense of self if I feel some distorted message is reaching the ears of my friends? Even something as simple as "learn to accept everything"? Mainstream spirituality is what peoeple turn to for an excuse to keep being lazy and to avoid the fierce gaze of another's eyes...

Share yourself freely. You are a vessel through which the spirit moves. Talk WITH your audience not TO them. Look at them - see who they really are. Banish those pretentions and emotions that turn that person into a 'good' or 'bad' person. Human beings have surprising depth IF EVOKED. Have courage that even if your audience appears completely unreceptive that your voice has entered their soul and will linger there until the time and conditions are ripe for them to understand and appreciate.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

I dream of Lions and Skyscrapers

Dreamt I was inside the a large city with sky scrapers all around me. Yet it boarded directly onto the African Savanna with wild lions supposedly just a short distance away. What separately us was a large wire fence. I was with two people i think. One was a woman who was speaking into a mic the whole time - recording commentary  - and videoing what was going on. The other was an elder man who seemed to share a research relationship with me.
We were doing experiments whereby I would stand in the field with bushy tails peering from behind long grass - and roar as loud as I could in order to scare the lions so they wouldn't attack. It was about stripping away all fear and seeing if that safeguarded one from danger.
 
Funnily enough the message I got the whole time was that sexual intimacy is OK. It's a healthy thing to have sex with different partners. Just use a condom. I remember climbing back over the fence repeatedly so the camera could capture the action from difference angles and shot sizes. Then in the city there was a mini Mercedes SUV - black - which I seemed to be driving a lady friend around....unsure where that led to...
 
Another dream which seemed inseparable from this one was do to with a car that was stuck in the mud and me in a bathroom trying to wash my muddy hands. The car wheels were just turning in the mud (inside a car shed). I suggested the guy  (Hamish - young punk I knew from school) put flat slate rocks under the wheels for traction - but another guy standing near me (Chris - my age with good self-confidence - also from school) just suggested a differently method of turning. It worked. Then I was inside a bathroom  - (Rachael's house - a young beauty also from school) trying to get both tapes running at once so i could wash my muddy hands with warm water. Instead I had to run them separately in the basin.
 
Right! Back to sleep!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

No longer work

I've always dreamed of loving my work so much that it is no longer work. Come cleaning my teeth, driving to work, preparing meals...everything becomes an expression of that enjoyment behind that work. I wonder if being an actor will provide this level of satisfaction. I wonder...and I think maybe...just maybe!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Two sneaky dreams

Had a couple of vivid dreams last night - the first I've remembered in a fair while.

In the first dream a friend was on the roof of a large house/building and he was throwing down huge snake-like coils onto the grass below (which reminded me of my garden at my childhood home). Inside the snake coils there were literally millions of little ants and as I went closer to check them out a GIGANTIC ant/spider thing started running away. I chased it and tried to hit it with a nearby spade. It artfully dodged me for a while but eventually I killed it. I got the feeling that my friend was doing me a favour showing me the ants - as if they were going to take over my house unless I got rid of them.

The second dream was about an island. Something about smuggling something from the island to the main land. I think it was myself and another who left home and left for the island. I remember being on the island inside someones large house over looking the water. I was watching a large American yacht break open and I was watching the woman owner have a new one built at the American yacht work shed on the island.

Not sure as yet what they could be symbolising but will look on the net for clues.

Up and Down and UP

Well, the day after a rather dark ebb is coming to an end.
I've spent all day listening to presentations on the great Russian actor Stanislavski - who introduced the self-named famous system of acting.
How inspiring this guy is. He is all about finding the truth in whatever circumstance one finds themselves in.
I found myself comforted that he struggled so much with being an actor; that so often he entered depression due to the inauthenticity of his acting. He was looking to reveal the inner life of the character he was playing and unless he surrendered to the process - relaxing both body and mind - he was just another phony on the stage and he knew it.

I have just finished a rebirthing session. The insights I gain through this sort of breath-centred therapy are illuminating to say the least. One thing in particular that I'll share is the inspiring concept of 'charity' - that when I am coming from my heart and giving and receiving freely with whomever I am with then I am living my purpose. Purpose isn't something I am chasing out in the world - but rather I am living it. I don't need to chase some far away goal or create a niche product. I simply have to be myself: electric, confident, open hearted. I know I am these things. My fear is that I may not able to maintain my connection with my heart and the creator so these may be physically expressed. I will make time in small portions throughout the day to tune into this truth.

1 Corinthians 13

1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding
brass, or a tinkling cymbal. 2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. 9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. 10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I
became a man, I put away childish things. 12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. http://bible.gospelcom.net/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%2013%20;&version=9;

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

A life without Hope is a life still worth living?

I just don't care about life anymore.

I spend all day at acting school gaining wonderful skills and experience - and I really to find it interesting - but at the end of the day the emptiness and aloneness of life kicks in. I usually buy a bag of chips or chocolate to soak up my ill-feelings. Tonight I didn't. I prayed that I would have the strength to endure this void.

I'm afraid to ask girls out because I feel I need to get my shit together before I reveal myself to them. There are two in my class whom I like very much but I just don't know how to summon the self-esteem needed to be in my humour with them.

I've just started working on a popular radio station writing the news every Monday morning and this is interesting and challenging - but something will not kick in. I simply don't feel nourished or fulfilled by it and the other guys and girls who work there just seem to hip and world-weary and free to speak their thoughts and feelings with humour and energy.

I follow the news closely...G8....London terror...Africa...North Korea...but when I ask myself if I really care about these things I get a resounding void. As it is I'm having a hard time not writing all this off as trashy self-pityness.

In drama we're told that it all comes down to the creative imagination. If we genuinely believe in the scenario and paint it in our imagination in fine detail then our on-screen performances will be truthful and attractive to the viewers. If we try and try and try to get it right and 'not fuck it up' then we DO just that. We fuck it up because we're forcing something through...we aren't letting the spontaneity of the moment lead us.

Why am I so alone on this? I am sick to death of trashy small talk. But then when it comes to the meaningful discussions I have nothing to add because shadow has fallen on me and numbed my sense. Instead of happiness I am left wondering where I went wrong. Was I just born this way. And more importantly - how the hell am I going to get over it and really participate in this life.

Even the most glorious things imaginable (heaven on earth etc) do not inspire me. Perhaps, when I give myself a break from thinking so ill of myself and my life I will find what that thing that will make all things worth fighting for is. But for now I must put up with this and continue hoping that I will loose control of my life just long enough for me to see through the sturdy and fearful walls I've surrounded myself with.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Apollo reveals all (well nearly all...)

Friday, July 08, 2005

Finding meaning in finding meaning

Funny thing is happening - I may've found my life purpose.
But my past experiences have shown me that if i pre-empt my new
passion I often seem to cut myself off at the knees. In other words
the excitement of thinking I've found 'it' absorbs all the energy that
could be used to explore the passion with.

Enough of that sort of muddly talk.

Let me rephrase this. It is NOT a passion. I get bored when I hear
that all the time. It seems like everyone has a passion these days.
It's become our new marketing programme. "I'm cute, intelligent,
intuitive - and oh - I have this huge passion for exploring new
planets" Ha!! It's more like finding something that has traction; that
unravels itself without my forcing it.

What am I referring to here?

Logotherapy. The therapy of meaning. Inspired by the trials of Victor
Frankl. I just love the irony though - here I am finding meaning in
finding meaning!! Well, let's just say it's a start.

What will people think?

If only I could have the courage to live each day as an experiment; to not shy away from the possibility that I may offend people with my boldness or bluntness or just plain differentness...

It's like there's this chip in me that censors out all vibes that may offend others. It keeps me playing safe with my interactions...smiling in the right places etc.

I think I fear that if I'm anything but warm and polite to poeple then it'll come back and haunt me later in life if for example I become a public figure.

But it means the new is rarely tried and when it is then the negative reaction I get kneejerks me back into that stable comfortable persona that I know myself as...part reticent, part excitable, part man, part boy...

Meeting woman online

Boy - this topic really requires rigorous scientific experimentation.
Here's my initiating message to a girl who sent me a 'smile' on a
singles website:

Hey O... - loving your vibe girl! And goddamn...which uni are you at earning yourself 100k? Must be the shit at something geeky. Right?! Anyway - what are you doing pestering me? I may be a golden god but I do not have an 'awesome understanding of fashion'. What's ya number? Might just have to call ya to see if you're the real thing or just plain weird :)

Hmmm...when I get a reply I will post back how I went! It's all about
'meeting them' on their wave length while not appearing too eager...what a condumdrum for an eager young man...now how would paradoxical intention play out here? I guess I would try and be overly eager - but that would kill it wouldn't it?!

What are your own techniques?

How may I offend you?

Reminds me of the pythons - It's been said that a Monty Python movie is only successful if it offends everyone in the audience at least once.

Offence is only taken if people are insecure about who they are. It's a good strategy to aim to offend ESPECIALLY if you are a mummies boy trying to Peirce your wussy veneer.
Victor Frankl called it Paradoxical Intention - where you take the very thing that scares the shit out of you and actually humour yourself into playing it out.

"It's a mtter of wishing the very thing you are afraid of. A young man who weated profusely whenever he was in social situations was told by Frankl to wish to sweat. "I only sweated out a quart before, but now I'm going to pour at least ten quarts!" (1973, p. 223) was among his instructions. Of course, when it came down to it, the young man couldn't do it. The absurdity of the task broke the vicious cycle."
http://www.ship.edu/~cgboeree/frankl.html

Evil on the web

...following up on that evil rant of mine...check out http://evil-guide.tripod.com/forces.html for how to turn your wussy goodness into potent evilness - sounds like a lot of shit but interesting at the very least...

Also, exponentially expanding search engine google doesn't escape. Their trademark "don't be evil" has been called by some to be the biggest irony on the web: http://www.google-watch.org/

Evil. It's all about our shadow really. What we stuff into our 'bag'. What we deny expression because somewhere along the line someone has said "that's not nice"..."don't tell your brother you want to kill him..."...and so the baggage accumulates until you get that inner zap to confront your luckluster impotent life and release all that power you've snuffed away.

Of course the Q is how do we access this bag of dark tricks in ways that will not land us in the penitentiary ...

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Can being evil be a good thing?

Time to explore my darkside. I've been so sheltered all my life. Brought up as a good born-again christian. Moulded to please my mother...my dad, teachers, friends...shopkeepers...I am the one everyone calls naive and innocent and pure. AHHHH there is this rage in me that demands expression - but how does one express evil? Steal a car? Rob a bank? Murder? How do i explore evil - and the inherent power latent in it's expression - while still maintaining integrity with my soul?

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Pseudo Grandeur

Everyone tries to stand out; to be special and grand; to market themselves like a product and shout from the roof tops "look at me - I have what nobody else has - I am the only person you'll ever need - my ideas will solve all your problems". How ironic is the truth that indeed we are grand beings -but in a fragile world of mud huts and not heavenly palaces - and our grandeur must be tempered with humility to suit the environment.